Everyone deserves to be in a healthy relationship. But what does a healthy relationship look like? Does it look like Bella and Edward in Twilight or Chuck and Blair in Gossip Girl? The answer is, neither of these two is healthy. Bella and Edward are so addicted to each other, to the point that Bella got suicidal when Edward left her. Chuck and Blair are no different; they keep hurting each other and justify their toxic behavior as "passionate, burning love", and let's not forget how Chuck sold Blair to his uncle in exchange for a hotel. If you grow up watching movies and TV shows that normalize toxic relationships, you may find it hard to distinguish between passion or aggression, protectiveness or possessiveness, and love or lust.
Being in love doesn't mean trading our psychological well-being to be with the person we think is right. Unfortunately, many are stuck in unhealthy relationships. The effects of toxic relationships are damaging; it's emotionally exhausting, can cause you to develop trust issues, and even makes you question your self-worth. But, how can we get out of it if we are not aware of the signs? Toxic behavior in relationships can manifest in various ways. Afraid not, we are here to guide you to identify the signs:
Controlling Behaviors
Does your partner insist on having your Instagram password? Do they check on you every hour to know where you are, who you're with? Be careful! If your partner does not trust you enough, it will give them the justification to cross the boundaries, invade your privacy, and develop possessive traits. All relationships should consist of mutual respect. And respect starts with giving your partner enough space and deciding things on their own.
Isolation
At first, spending most of your time together seems like it's a good sign of a relationship that indicates both of you are so in love that you always want to spend time with each other. But if it gets too much, this type of behavior can isolate you from friends, family, and other people you care about. Isolation can also make it easier for them to control you.
Excuses
Do you find yourself often in a position where you have to constantly make excuses for your partner in front of your friends and family? This situation puts you in a place where you have to justify their actions, even when the people around you express their doubt or dislike towards your partner. If you keep on defending them, it's probably best to reflect on why you have to protect them in the first place.
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation that leads you to believe that your thoughts and feelings are invalid. It makes you question your own emotions, to the point that you feel guilty about feeling it in the first place. For example, when you express your discomfort about your partner's toxic behavior, and they ask you instead, "do you not love me?", that's gaslighting right there.
Identifying signs of a toxic relationship is one thing, but getting out of a toxic relationship is another. Getting out of a toxic relationship is not an easy thing to do. Many toxic relationships last for years because they either don't realize the toxicity or refuse to deal with it. But there are some steps you can take to step out of the dark:
Seek counsel
If you spend years in a toxic relationship, it will take time to reflect on your condition and express your repressed emotions. Getting out of a toxic relationship is a process; therefore, the presence of a third party is necessary. You can reach out to a psychologist, NGOs that provide counsel like Yayasan Pulih, or even to people around you like friends and co-workers.
Communicate your feelings
After seeking help and reflecting on your conditions, you have to communicate your feelings to your partner regarding this relationship. Be truthful but also be considerate when putting your feelings into words. You can start by saying "I feel..." instead of "You make me feel". Maybe your partner will accept it, or the other way around. Regardless, expressing your feelings is crucial when facing the elephant in the room.
Make a decision
After communicating your feelings to your partner, see how they respond to them. If they show signs of remorse, reflect their behavior, and are willing to change, there's still a chance to transform your relationship. But if they get defensive, it's a sign that you have to end the relationship. If they refuse, try to convince them that this relationship is hurting both of you in the process.
These three steps are big ones, it will take courage to take them, but it will be worth it eventually. It will not be an easy and instant process but believe that you are strong enough to go through it. Because everyone deserves more, and no one settles for less.
(ANL/MEL)